Many years ago while living in Maine I was standing outside watching people arrive for an AA meeting. A young guy I had seen a couple of times walked up to me and sat down on on a stone wall beside me. I also sat. His head was hanging low off his shoulders. It seemed as if all the weight of the world was crushing him. He looked up at me, his blue eyes shot with red from lack of sleep and worry.
He looked like this from the first day I had seen him. We never spoke until this moment and he never shared in any of the meetings. His name was John. "I need someone to talk with and I like how you speak in the meetings, can we talk?"
He disclosed to me that he was having repeated intense nightmares, waking him in clod sweats and crying out into the night. John said he lived alone in a small cabin in the woods. He said he liked the solitude. John began to talk with me about his nightmares. He said in his dream he is standing outside his car yelling at a woman. he then gets into his car and backs out of the driveway in rage. He then says the woman comes running toward his car screaming at the top of her lungs and waving furiously at him. At this point John said he awakens with terror in his heart, crying out, his pillow wet with tears.
John said these dreams come to him every night.
The meeting was beginning and we walked in and took our seats. John kept his head down and did not say a word. Afterward he quietly thanked me and left the meeting just as it was ending. I found it interesting that no one ever said a word to him. John just seemed to blend into the background. It wasn't until a week later at the next meeting. John appeared from around the corner and walked up to me. Head down and lightly sobbing John told me he wanted the dreams to stop. John said the dreams had become more intense, he awoke one morning with the realization that he had been married, but had no memory to whom or where he lived, only the house seemed familiar.
Again, John stayed until just before the meeting ended. All I knew was his first name at this time. It was a couple of weeks before I saw John again. He appeared to be a shadow. John had lost weight and looked very disheveled. He sat next to me and didn't say a word for a few minutes. I asked John how he was doing. "I don't know what to say, it, it is so horrible, so very horrible.
John sat next to me on that same stone wall and told me a story that would stay with me for the rest on my life. "I remembered everything this morning." John said with a stutter in his voice. Tears welled in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks without protest. "I had the dream again last night but it went further. As I backed out of the driveway in my dream and my wife was running after me screaming and crying. I stopped the car to put it into drive when she began hitting my window screaming 'you killed her, you killed her!' It was then I woke up." John began sobbing uncontrollably. I put my arm around his shoulder and didn't say a word. There was no words, I was empty and full at the same time. empty of words and full of sadness and concern for John.
He continued after the sobs subsided. "I had a daughter. I had a daughter and she was playing in the driveway." John didn't need to finish the story. My heart sank, tears were falling down my face now. John sat there of a few minutes a shudder fell over him. he then got up, I did too. John looked at me and thanked me for listening and talking with him. I asked John where he was going. "Home, I feel really tired and worn out. I think I'll sleep for a while." I was worried for him. I knew this was big, but I didn't know what to do. I gave him my number and told him to call me. John said he didn't have a phone at his place, but would call from the local store later. I still didn't know his last name. In AA we used initials for our last name for anonymity. John drove away as I watched wiping the tears from my eyes.
I never saw or heard from John again. No one at the meeting knew much about him or how to contact him.
Today I still remember John and the tragedy of his life. He had a drinking problem and in one moment of drunken rage at his wife, John changed everything in his life forever.
I wasn't in the field of psychiatry at the time, but after this it was inevitable that I would find my profession.
Still today I pray for John, and myself.
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